White flag is raised

**Warning** This is indeed a vent but it is also true to how I feel & have felt A LOT in the past

I am done. I quit. You win. I lose.

Disappointment occurs when expectations are set too high, correct? Well that is what people always tell me. Erin you wouldn't get so hurt if you didn't expect so much, Erin you wouldn't get hurt if you just had tough skin.

Well I disagree. I don't think I get hurt b.c. I don't have tough enough skin or my expectations are too high. I think I have healthy expectations, when they are unreasonable I 99% of the time realize this. This makes me the person that I am, considerate, soft, affectionate, loving, empathetic & yes very emotional & quick to get hurt, why? Well b.c. I lay it all out there for someone/anyone to pick up & stomp all over & when finished disregard it. Not even put it in the trash b.c. that would be acknowledging that you used it & were done w/ it so you threw it out.

All my life I have fought this & most my life I have tried to change this. It doesn't work for me to change b.c then i just get upset as well....What am I talking about? I am talking about the fact that in 90% of my relationships I am & always have been the person to initiate. And each time after getting hurt I say well I'll show them, lets see how long it takes for them to notice I am not the one calling. Normally it takes a LONG (a month usually longer) time which in turn just makes me feel more hurt, b.c. once again I had expectations that you know surely if we are used to doing something once a week or at least discussing it they would think to call after a week or two of nothing....

Is it because I for some reason just don't do enough which is why I am ready to hang out w/ people, invite people over, clean for them, cook for them, do anything for them so that they will come...Is it not enough that I work just about 3 nine hour days a week, take care of a house that never really gets dirty b/c I am constantly keeping it clean, take care of most all of the yard work, volunteer as needed, do a Bible study, work on my hobbies, make meals & take care of my 2 precious boys....Do most people do a lot more than this? Is that why I for some reason am more readily available? Is that why I am the one calling to hang out? Is that the reason I am the usual host?

Maybe the real answer is what I don't want to admit or think about that, its not them, its ME. Some people are just not like able for the vast majority of society, maybe I am one of them...Maybe I am too much, I talk to much, I am a goof, I smell, I have a dog, people don't like my baby? people don't like my husband? I really just wish someone just have the nerve to tell me what is wrong w/ me & my family that no one really wants to hang out with us or invite us over? In general we hang out w/ people when I am the one who calls to see if anyone wants to do something or if they would like to come over...

I don't get it. I am done rambling. I am hurt & frankly I could go on for hours longer (this has only taken about 20 min.) but I wont, I think you get the picture....maybe your confused or think, is this me? If your thinking it then it probably is, as say at least 75% of my friends & family fit into this.

**No pictures I don't feel anyone deserves to see how cute Oliver is, maybe I will feel more generous in a couple days to show the pictures of us at the pumpkin patch or at his first parade...